Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
