It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
