it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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