She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
