eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
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You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
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Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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