Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
