i just sent this text using only my big toe
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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