I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
