My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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