just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
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my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
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Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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