I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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