On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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