my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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