So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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