Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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