dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
