Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
