I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
