I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
