Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
