Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
