she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
