I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Randomize
