Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
