and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My pussy is not your playground.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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