I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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