I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
