I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
