Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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