Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
