you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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