My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
