how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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