Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
