At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
