Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
People in love make me want to vomit
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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