I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Randomize
