Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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