I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
