best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
