I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
