Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
