I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
