i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
