so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Come share oat with me in your robe
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
