I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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