my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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