Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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