The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm determined to sit on that face.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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