does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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