I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
