I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
