Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
