I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
