why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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