watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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